By Brian Hall
Wednesday 10 Aug 2011 08:51:00
Browse all Brian Hall articles



In these difficult times, we sometimes need to look on the bright and quirky side of life. Take the news. Avoid riots, financial global panic, and just concentrate upon more important and interesting matters.


Southern Bavaria, for example, is currently trying to locate Gertrude, a renegade cow. She is proving elusive to find, hiding in very expanisve and dense woodland. She has been on the run from her owner, a butcher and sausage-maker for a few months now. A major attempt to detect her took place last weekend, but again, she had disappeared. Honestly. Clearly, Gertrude must be one very bright animal, and knew that  her fate meant she was headed onto a plate with egg and chips. They always reckon that foresight is a wonderful thing.                                                   


Meanwhile, the Murdoch Empire are allegedly trying to find jobs for ex-journalists of the defunct News of the World. Apparently, they have offered a couple of their hacks, so to speak, posts in Bulgaria and Siberia. Now, I can understand that they might be able to dae a bit crap journalism in Bulgaria - corrupt politician caught in bed with some lass , mobile call confirms Shnukanovski refuses deal at Sofia United after accusations of bunging, etc. But Siberia!!? What is a Murdoch exclusive ganna run with there? 



Back in our ranch, another true story confirmed that crafty foxes have been stopped from having a go at local swans in  a Dorset

Swan Sanctuary. Not by violent methods used against those sneeky foxes. No, Radio 4 has come to the rescue. A local farmer told a swanherd, whatever that is, to put Radio 4 on loud, as it would bore the buggars away from their attacks. It worked. They never gan near the place, as all they can hear is things like the Archers and Woman's Hour. Theoretically, this is because those crafty animals hear noises and think people are there. I am not too sure, having listened on occasions to Melvyn Bragg, and elitist intellectual discussions on the direction of neo-liberalism inside post-capitalist evolution. 



Another story made me laugh.Nick Clegg, our Deputy Prime Minister, and very much a part of our wonderful government, is going to urged by some of his bunch of LibDems to distance himself from the ConDem Coalition running the UK. Weh, seems a bit late for poor Nick to dae that, but I should stress that this is true. Honestly. 


Then up pops a spokesman for SOOTY, the old yellow puppet for anybody younger reading this, stressing that Sooty has apologised to Paul Daniels. Honestly again.  It seems that Sooty hit the irritating Boro Magician over hard with a pizza and knocked him out. Well done, Sooty, I thought. Given that Mr Daniels is crap, pompous, and tried badly to be funny, Sooty should not have apologised. We are talking about a man who was ganna leave Britain years ago if the Tories were rejected by the electorate, but unfortunately did not. He hovered around, repeating his catchphrase, You Will Like It, Norra Lot, But You'll Like it. Well, I liked Sooty's slap,......a lot ..across the man from Chemical Town. 



You can always rely on a student to come up with a good plot as well. Up at  St Andrews   university, he has claimed - honestly again - that he is on the verge of inventing an invisibility cloak. His discovery slows down the impact of light on an object, in essence, and thereby overcomes a major problem in the way of creating the said invisibility cloak. I suppose such a coat could come in handy for many of us in all kinds of ways. If this young Physics academic pulls it off, one obvious character might well invest in  one immediately. Mike Ashley, for very obvious reasons. Others may well be in the queue already. David Cameron, Nick Clegg, and Rupert Murdoch maybe. 



Children can always provide a quirky angle too, but parents have the same ability. Leaving aside families with kids who have very real problems, another plot appeared. One middle class woman is concerned about her 2 little bairns having the occasional kick-off, and this led to a visit to the A and E department at her local hospital for the 6 year old brother, after a fracas over a watering can. The concerned Mam has now enrolled on a parenting course, run by a specialist, who uses neuroscience, genetics, and phychology, to assist those raising more than one bairn in the family. All I can say on that one is that my own Mam never attended A and E as a result of a clash between our kid and me at that early age - any signs of sibling civil war were crushed by her words. And as far as I know, she never attended a class involving neuroscience, genetics, and phychology either. Honestly.


And last but certainly not least in true tales, I have heard that an element of Sunderland fans still think Steve Bruce is a good manager, and part of them - honestly, again - believe he could just about get them into Europe. Hard to believe, but apparently true.


Funny old world.






True Quote from Alan Green, football commenator. " You dont score 64 goals in 86 games........without being able to score goals."


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