By Brian Hall
Wednesday 15 May 2013 14:12:00
Browse all Brian Hall articles



I think everybody is getting a wee bit fed up of political, social, economic, scientific, you name it, Think Tanks and Research Surveys coming out with ideas that seem to range from the absurd to the bloody obvious. A recent one, for example, reckoned that kids born  in late August faced academic problems at school,  as a lot of their classmates were  a canny bit older – September onwards types, etc. Therefore, a scheme was put forward to help that late summer lot to be upgraded to compensate against the older lot. I was pleased with that one, as it confirmed why I have failed to reach my potential.

Another belted out that all the problems of the UK were down to Europe – weh, most of them anyway – and it was best that we became some kind of offshore island, knocking about with good marras, like the, err....Americans or Australians, or perhaps just copy the Swiss. Mmm.

Seems to me that the only survey not done yet has been one that would conclude that it would be wise to support Sunderland Football Club, although I am sure the SAFC  PR team, or what is left of it, are working on that one.


But THE BIG SENSATIONAL NEWS, hot off the Mag press, is that our official NUFC Think Tank can confirm that we have blasted all these absurdities out of the water, and our latest idea is , without any doubt, simple and straightforward.

Scientific surveys, and statiticians are simply not in our ball game, or league, if you will pardon the pathetic puns.


After intense research, involving most of our Tribe, we have discovered a new, radical way to teach Maths. STUDY FOOTBALL LEAGUE TABLES, WORK OUT ALL KINDS OF ANGLES ON POINTS, GOAL DIFFERENCES, AND WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF VARIOUS THEORIES GAN PEAR-SHAPED.


I suppose we all knew this as kids, but these last few weeks have certainly confirmed our theoretical research. In terms of academia as a bairn onwards, I was, how to put it politely, crap at Maths, but I always knew if Nottingham Forest scored two at West Brom, and we got an nil-nil draw at Leeds, that would move us up the table, unless Bolton got a point, against all odds, at Blackburn.


These weeks have seen the whole Geordie Nation, and others of course, embarking upon total mathematical dissection of the Relegation Plot. And , boy, have there been some complications, to say the least!!


After much analysis, we have discovered just how to teach Maths properly in schools, from primary age, if not before, all the way to A Level and beyond. Forget the algebra, the equations, and numerical connotations. JUST STUDY FOOTBALL LEAGUE TABLES, MAN.

Our survey has confirmed, finally, that those without any mathematical qualification to their name, all the way to those who have a Professorship in number-crunching, have all been in intense studies about the League Table. Many, regardless of their maths credentials, resolved the ultimate problem, which of course was escaping from the equation which would have sent NUFC down. Sure, there was confusion, contradiction, cock-ups, in this overall, very determined approach to this all-important subject. Avoiding relegation, that is , not Maths.


The main key of our Think Tank findings is this. TEACH MATHS VIA FOOTY LEAGUE TABLES.


Brian Hall – a member of the NUFC Think Tank Group, who totally buggered up in his own Maths O Level


Ps         it has to be added that those taking part in this survey came under severe stress at times, but we still insist that it is time for the Government to take note of this new radical approach towards Maths teaching.                             Tarah.

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