By Brian Hall
Wednesday 24 Oct 2012 20:37:00
Browse all Brian Hall articles



I suppose we had one on Sunday just gone, with that absurd Sunderland goal, scored by Demba Ba. There again, no way was it an actual disaster. A moral victory, in reality, for NUFC. But this missive is nothing about football, although of course, there have been a few real disasters on all of our plots over the years. No. This is a blog stimulated by a bloke, Peter you call him, who reminded me just how often people can end up in situations, totally by accident, and potential calamity occurs.


Take some of my own, for example.. And if anybody falls asleep reading this, then at least these tiny anecdotes help them to doze off. Aye, Peter's remark prompted a few memories. 


You know that CrimeWatch programme to frighten Grannies to death, and make us feel that a burglar is around every corner. I am aware that it does a job, in a sense, but, weh, gets a bit over the top. Anyway, I once popped up to my local shop, run by a friend, Omer. There had been some kind of attempted robbery. I did not know that, and I just thought Omer was doing some kind of advertsing for his businesses. I pottered about, bought some milk and tabs, or whatever. I spoke to the camera bloke, briefly, and the lass doing the forthcoming interview. What happens? A couple of weeks later, I get a phone call, the first amongst many of course, to say that they had just seen me on CrimeWatch! Initial reaction was ...What!!!? I had blundered into a tiny clip on national telly, just knocking about. Time for piss taking. Out of me, that is, but me and the the shopowner had a laugh.


Another one. I ended up on the telly in a different context, in serious mode, trying to advocate the case of a real, proper devolved government for the North East. For my sins, I happened to be one of the Co-ordinators of that non-party movement for a decade, before we got knacked by New Labour. That is a totally different story. No. The problem on that little occasion, pre-recorded interview, was that I did not know my then daytime Boss was going to be live on the same programme! She happened to be a Labour MP, a canny one, but in terms of balance, they had a Tory and a Lib Dem on as well. Woops. The LibDem, Alan Beith, spotted me, and so did the Tory, obviously. They then complained to the imminent live interviewer that this was now unbalanced, as they suggested I had links with the labour movement and also, the said Boss. All hell broke loose, and she rang me the next morning - What!!? another accidental potential disaster.


A final one, only in terms of me. I once got tapped on a shoulder in a bar. Instead of pretending to not feel the tap - i was not on red alert - i looked behind, at that side of the shoulder i had been tapped on. Next thing, a broken nose. All hell broke out with my mates and his lot, and then.........the bloke comes up in the middle of the chaos, and apologises! Mistaken identity. He thought I was the bloke knocking about with his lass. Apparently, I was the spitting image of the fella. Woops. To be fair, the assailant even offered to tek me up to the hospital, as the blood splashed out from my nose! And I would not care, I knew I was not even knocking about with any lass at that particular time.


As for so many people that we know who have accidentally ended up in potential disasters? Well. I could list a canny few, to say the least. But just one. Neil, from our West End, applied for a job in security in London, via a Chron advert. No real details were given. Passed his interview, thinking it was to do with a building site, etc. Then came interview, Number 2. It involved working for the big Russian bank on the low floor,down there - clearly not the higher floors! And given that the Cold War was not quite over, though Gorbachev was in charge in Moscow, Neil then ended up with a canny job and accomodation, but had to drive to Heathrow to pick up the odd KGB officials now and then.! Now thet could have made many of my lifetime potential disasters look pale in significance! Never mind, he enjoyed his temporary career in that City bank, Moscow's main financial hq.


all the above is totally true. unfortunately! 


tarah.           bry


ps                  I dont even want to go there, so to speak, on my accidental arrival in a Strasbourg brothel. I twigged quick, but had already ordered my pint of lager. it cost me thirty pounds or so. i was about to kick off, to say the least, as i had no intention of  paying, or staying. but when i glanced at the twitching curtain, the two characters looked very, very menacing. I had just got paid, so just told the barmaid, who of course, was Madame, that i would pay for my drink on that price. the alternative did not look pleasant!

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