A GUIDE TO LONDON GAMES - OFFICIAL STATEMENT
By Brian Hall
Friday 20 Jul 2012 09:51:00
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This is an advice note to any foreign visitors arriving in the UK to take in the Olympic Games. After consultation with Lord Coe, Trevor Brooking, and that bloke in a shed near Downing Street, we wish to reassure all is well as our London Jamboree prepares for its display of all that is good in our capital, sorry, Britain, we mean.

 

Do NOT be alarmed by anti-missiles on rooftops, and varied major military hardware assembled near the main venue, or by the presence of soldiers in our City. Our security has been in planning for many years - and we refute rumours that a private bunch cocked everything up with their cost-cutting, and forced our troops to cancel their leave. Headlines about a humiliating shambles are simply down to hostile elements within the media.

 

Equally, if you are arriving via Heathrow, your entry into our City, sorry, country, will be a welcome one. There is NO truth in malicious gossip that a strike may cause huge delays at our airport control. Once you enjoy your efficient entry, we have a first-class motorway, named the M4. Whilst it is true that the road is under repair, a speedy journey by car should not be a problem. There may be difficulties with taxis in the centre of our City, as some rebellious taxi-drivers are objecting to lane routes, claiming that their livelihood is threatened.  We refute their argument, and will ensure that transport is available.

 

Moreover, do NOT believe scurrillous stories that, due to so-called problems facing our dairy farmers, milk may be difficult to obtain. London will ensure that a powdered version of that white stuff is available if required.

 

If you wish to travel beyond our Capital, feel free to do so. People have told us that some parts, north of the Watford Gap area, are safe, and not inhabited by barbarian tribes. After intelligence checks carried out by Group 4 Security, we can confirm that this is true. We should, however, warn that visits to the Far North must only be taken AFTER asking us for further information. One border region can be a very volatile place and the people there speak a different language as well. Beyond that frontier lies another country, named Scotland. Again, that part of our nation tends to be a rebellious place, but our regime, sorry, Government, can ensure safety for the traveller. For example, there is now a ban on any alcohol on trains after 9.00 pm on all trains up there - tourists may find that strange, but this is a measure we have taken to ensure that no misbehaviour occurs in their transport system.

 

Our MAIN advice, though, is to remain in our capital itself. Ignore any talk of airport delays, unrepaired road access, taxi problems, potential milk shortages, and above all, do not be disturbed the presence of our Army on the streets.

 

This is London, and we are proud of it. Enjoy.

 

SIR HUMPHREY BRIAN HALL, SPOKESMAN FOR LONDON, sorry the UK, I meant.

 

footnote.                   PLEASE DO NOT, AT ALL COSTS, REMAIN IN THE COUNTRY AFTER THE GAMES, AND ATTEMPT TO VISIT THE GREAT NORTH RUN IN ONE OF OUR VOLATILE BORDER AREAS. IT IS APPALLINGLY ORGANISED, A HUMILIATING SHAMBLES, AND TRIBES UP THERE TURN OUT ON THE STREETS FOR THAT EVENT IN VERY MENACING NUMBERS.                                                     




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