By Brian Hall
Tuesday 22 Nov 2011 11:42:00
Browse all Brian Hall articles





I do not wish to dwell on national media coverage of our defeat on Saturday against Manchester Arabia Billionaire City, or whatever they are called these days, but I must point out that I found one paper yesterday morning a bit strange in that context. They wrote about Micah Richards, their full back, allegedly sending a tweet whilst playing against Newcastle, and added that it would be no surprise if he had done so, given the average opposition the Extremely Rich Blue Mooners faced. Very odd on two counts - a player tweeting during a game? And a report which mentioned little of a brave resistance from a black and white side at the Extremely Rich Home of a stadium which actually includes United , when translated, in its new name? Never mind. Strange and quirky, I suppose.


Meanwhile, up in our remote Kingdom of Northumbria, something very odd was happening. It turned out that a supermarket in North Tyneside was only willing to sell one lime to a punter - it was defined in their computerised system that 2 limes were classified as offensive weapons, because, if pressed, they could be sprayed in somebody's eye. Thus, only one lime was allowed to be bought.                         Where would all this end, I thought, in terms of definitions of offensive weapons?  For example, I bought a turnip AND a cabbage just last week. Believe you me, either one of them could be dangerous if bashed on a head. Worse, what about an anti perspirant spray                 a peeled orange going into somebody's eye, or even worse,  a git big back ot tatties - potatoes to the uneducated, dropped from a small height at some passer-by. It should be added though that the North Tyneside supermarket accepted that they had overreacted and gave the punter, after some coverage of the incident, a free set of limes. So, sanity restored, but be careful if you meet her, she could still be armed with those limes.


This farce about limes depressed me, in the sense that I felt we have finally arrived as a rival to the USA in such madness. But I was soon cheered up by a couple of stories from the Land of Uncle Sam. They are always top of the quirky, strange, and absurd league. One small town in Texas is under immense pressure to change its name, as animal rights groups find the name abusive. It is called Turkey, and they feel it brings up conotations of eating turkeys at their ThanksGiving and Xmas celebrations. At the other end of America, their Senate has recently passed a law classifying pizza as a vegetable, in order that schoolkids can hoy it down their neck all day. Some logic does lie in the politicians' legislation, as they want to get past a rigid healthy diet for kids........far be it for me to suggest that maybe, just maybe, the Pizza Lobby have a bit spare cash in their hands to get such a vote through. 


Back to the uk. An opinion poll was carried about the main cause of Christmas rows and punch ups. It turned out that arguments about what is on the telly came top as a cause of discontent, with drunken relatives coming a very poor second. I am unsure about this one, as in my experience, the drunken relative can provoke far more bother that whether somebody wants to watch Celebrity Come Christmas, or the Queen's Speech. That poll was then followed by one which, based on the fact that the Italians have abandoned politicians for technocrats to run their country, tested UK public opinion on who should run our place. It did not look good. Alan Sugar was miles ahead, and the only consolation was that he was miles ahead of Richard Branson!


I was astonished that 20 odd per cent of British people would want Branson leading them, but my faith in the nation's rebellious, quirky spirit, was immediately restored when I then heard of a young lad down South had made a stand against his school rule that dictated that he could not wear shorts when it got particularly hot last summer. Trousers only, they said. So he decided to wear a                           a skirt in protest about not being allowed to wear his shorts in the heat. And , honestly, he has been nominated for a human rights award. Good on ya, kid.


And more good news, possibly that is. They have discovered that SEX - now that word might wake up anybody reading this blog - does wonders for the over-65s, and they remain in better health generally. Hope for me yet, I thought - in my dreams. And part of this story included a superb remark from Sophia Loren to one of her relatives when she was once asked, by then no spring chicken to say the least, did she miss sex? The Italian screen Goddess told her niece that she would have to ask somebody older than her that question, as Aunty Sophia was still enjoying herself, and feeling canny, thank you.



tarah, and let us raise a smile at this oh so strange and quirky world







I saw a very strange and quirky things in the street and on the telly. One house has an Xmas tree up already, and the telly was well into hoying on xmas carols onto adverts telling us to buy and buy. now , that is strange, quirky, and absurd. It is, after all, only bloody November.

Let us hope that the said house up the road does not end up arguing over that telly, or invite that drunken relative in, or the tree might well gan crashing down.



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